Lighten Up

LIGHTEN UP ...
AnimalHouseCo.com

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" POSTED ON THE GLASS DOOR. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. " That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

A guy wanted to take his Chihuahua into a restaurant with him, so he put on dark glasses and "tapped" his way into the establishment.

The waiter said, "Hey! You can't bring a dog in here!"

The man indignantly claimed, "I'm blind! ... this is my Seeing Eye dog!"

"You're trying to tell me," said the waiter, "that this Chihuahua is a Seeing Eye dog?!"

"WHAT???!!!", cried the man, "They gave me a Chihuahua?"

Dogaholics Anonymous

Good Evening. My name is _________ and I AM a dogaholic.

I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Dogaholics Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you here. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and that you really don't need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a dogaholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a DAA meeting for help. DAA is here to assist you.

I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.

Can you say "Bitch" in public without blushing?
Do you drive a station wagon, van or 4x4?
Do you have more than one car ... one for you and one for the dogs?
Do you plan your vacations and holidays around your dogs?
If you do go overseas, is it to London in March to attend Crufts?
Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly washed tennis shoes?
Is your interior decorator R.C. Steele?
Was your furniture and carpeting chosen to match your dogs?
Are your end tables really dog crates with tablecloths thrown over them?
Is your mail made up primarily of dog catalogs and dog magazines?
Do you get up before dawn to go to Training Classes? Dog Shows? Seminars?
If you wear dresses, do they all have pockets?
Do those pockets often contain freeze dried liver, Rollover or squeaky toys?
When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of dog they have ... and pity them if they don't have one?
Do you remember the name of their dog sooner than you remember the person's name?
Do you find non-dog people boring?
Do you subscribe to an internet dog mailing list?????

If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
If you answered YES to three or more, you have come to the right place.

My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good dogs and it will never be boring.

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Dog Rules .....

The dog is not allowed in the house.

Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.

The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.

The dog can get on the old couch only.

Fine, the dog is allowed on all of the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.

Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.

The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.

The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.

The dog can sleep under the covers every night.

Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no intelligence whatsoever."

She turned to the tall shiny Golden Retriever and said, "How well can you do?"

"Um, I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and fitness, is the Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, and with a sly wink, turns to the Lab and Golden and says ....

"Liver alone, cheese mine."

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town, which he planned to visit on his Christmas vacation. He wrote, "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware, or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel, and if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here too!"

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is ... some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy storeowner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. The teacher held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is ... it's a box of candy!"

"That's right!" shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor storeowner's son. The teacher held it up and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"No," the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"

"A puppy!" the boy replied.

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding empathetically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart. "Two dogs, please, " says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs'.

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

NOTE POSTED ON THE FRONT DOOR.

Rules for non-pet owners who visit ....

They live here - you don't.
If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
I like my pet better than I like most people.
To you it's an animal ... To me it's an adopted child who is short, hairy, walks on all fours, and is speech challenged.
Dogs are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with questionable friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes or 'borrow' your things, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, ... and, if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.

HOW TO CLEAN YOUR TOILET.

Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

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You Know You Have Too Many Dogs When ...

When you have more grass in your driveway than in your backyard.

When your neighbors find ANY dog running loose and automatically bring it to your house.

When you want to watch TV and you have to sit on the floor because all the furniture is occupied.

When it takes you longer to wash your dog's dishes than your own.

When you have to run an obstacle course to get to the phone.

When you never go on vacation because it costs too much to kennel your dogs.

When you have to run through the whole list of dogs' names in order to yell at the right one and by then it's too late.

When you graduated from a double bed to a king size just so they all would fit.

When you have your dog food home delivered.

When you take your dogs for a run in the park and people think you're a dog sitter.

When it's easier to call your dogs Baby or Sweetie than to remember their names.

TO GOD FROM THE DOG

Dear God,

Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God,

We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent ID's, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

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YOU'RE OBSESSED WITH DOGS IF ....

You talk to your dog as if s/he is a person.
You like people who your dog likes and don't like people your dog doesn't like.
You have a subscription to Dog Fancy.
People say, "You're like obsessed with dogs, aren't you?"
Your wall is covered with pictures of dogs and dog calendars.
For Christmas, most of the gifts you get have to do with dogs.
You surf the net looking for dog sites.
Your desk has more pictures of your dog on it than of your friends/spouse/kids.
Everybody knows you as the dog lover.
Your dog is your best friend.
Your dog sleeps on your bed.
The wallpaper on your Windows desktop is a picture of your dog.
You go shopping only to bring home more stuff for your dog than for yourself.
You have pictures of your dog(s) in your wallet.
The staff at the pet supply stores know you AND your dog's name.
You greet the dogs by name, but forget the people's names.
People send you letter address to you and your dog.
You lecture on responsible dog ownership every chance you get.
You never completely finish your meal so the dog gets a taste too.
Your dogs each have their own pillow and blankie at night.
You buy cards "from the dog".
You keep eating even after finding a dog hair in the pasta.
You call your dogs 'your kids' ... and
You refer to yourself as mommy or daddy.
You'd rather stay home on Saturday night and cuddle with your dog than go to the movies.
You make popcorn just to play catch with your dog.
Your moto is, "Happiness is a warm puppy." - Charles Shultz

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